Ready to Rant: It’s Two in the Morning and My Ovary Feels Like It’s Going to Explode

Ugh… its 2 a.m. and I feel like my insides are fighting a massive battle. It started earlier today when I was charting for my upcoming cycle and noticed that I’ll be in peak ovulation for the next three-ish days.

My cycles are also super long and I hate that, but they are always on point every single month. My ovary feels like it’s going to explode, my back feels like it’s breaking in half, and I’m hurting from elbows up to my shoulders and down to my tailbone from my knees.

Does that happen to anyone else?

I’m sitting here wondering if the pain will just make me fall asleep. I hate to say that, but I think that’s what most of us go through. When heating pads, lidocaine patches, chewing (Yes, chewing. So the med may kick in faster – it tastes awful) Naproxen, and crying to your OBGYN or specialist doesn’t do the trick, you feel hopeless.

Hopeless in a way that only someone with chronic pain will understand. You don’t understand why this is happening to you. But you know that it’s for a specific reason and that you’re going to do great things with your future because you will change lives. At least this is what I tell myself every single day.

I literally have to will myself out of bed because of the pain. I tell myself if you just complete one thing on this to-do list… then I’ll want to keep going until most if not all of the items are checked off. I will feel better, even though I don’t.

Chronic illness fucking sucks.

It sucks so bad and others just don’t get it. Like, you could tell a loved one, friend, or co-worker, and they’re like well, first of all, you don’t look sick, so I’m just not sure if this is a real thing.

Eventually, you get to a point where you are sitting in bed at 2 a.m., tired as fuck, wanting nothing but a good night’s sleep, but your body is on fucking fire and it’s nearly impossible.

The pain will take over at some point and I’ll fall asleep to awaken with the same pain I had the night before. Each night before the pain numbs my body into a sleeping state, I ask the universe for just four or five hours of sound sleep, which I’m lucky to get if that. If I get four hours, I feel okay, and if I get five I feel like a million bucks, even though I usually need to rest in the afternoon from fatigue.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the fatigue.

The pain is so bad, literally, everything makes you tired. Simple things, like finding the strength to blow dry my hair, is difficult. and walking up the stairs? Forget about it. Going for that jog that I used to be able to easily complete three years ago. Impossible.

Fatigue has taken over my life and it’s awful. I’m forced to rely on others, namely my husband, to do things for me and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I’ll be 30 this August, and I hate the situation I’m in. But I find comfort knowing that I’m not the only person with chronic pain who feels this way. I’m not alone in this.

I wish there were some magic potion to make the pain go away. But for now, as I listen to the hum of my fan, all I can do is hope that the pain will help me drift off, allowing me to get the sleep that I so desperately need.