A letter to the child I may never have

Hi baby,

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to come into this world. It hasn’t been an easy ride by any stretch.

I was told that I may never get the chance to meet you. These so-called “doctors” think I need to have a hysterectomy to cure the chronic pain I experience every day. But, I told them I’m not giving up. 

I’ve known that I’ve wanted to have you since I was just 10 years old.

Between the crippling pain, nights spent in the hospital connected to a morphine drip, and excision surgeries, I haven’t been able to live a “normal life.” But none of that matters because I know that as soon as I hold you in my arms it will be worth it.

If you’re a girl, I hope that you don’t have to deal with endometriosis as I have. That would break my heart. If you’re a boy, I hope you have a kind soul as your father does. I hope that you respect others and know that menstruation is natural, and not shameful.

Baby, if you come into this world I will never take you for granted. You’re going to be so loved and surrounded by an amazing family who will do anything for you. You’ll have an aunty, an uncle, grandparents and so many second cousins who will love you unconditionally. They’re all waiting for you to arrive in this world.

I’m unable to look at other people’s children now because I can’t stop thinking about what your face might look like and how badly I want to be your mother. The world can be cruel, baby. I suppose that’s something I won’t be able to protect you from.

If I never get to meet you, I want you to know that I love you so much anyway and I always will. 

My condition means that while I may be able to carry you for a little while, you could leave this world before you are due to come out. If that happens, just know that I am so sorry. I will grieve you for the rest of my life.

If I do get to meet you, baby, if I get to hold you in my arms and you are healthy, I promise that I will never ask for anything else in this world. You are a miracle, and that’s all I would ever need.

I’ll read to you every night, and sing to you. I will support the decisions you make as you grow into an adult and cry when you tell me that you’re moving out. I’ll be overjoyed when you get married and have children of your own.

I wish I could tell you what the future holds. The world is mysterious, baby. You will learn this if you get to come into it. I’m sorry that I don’t have more answers for you. One thing I can guarantee, however, is that I will never stop fighting for you. No matter what the cost and no matter how hard things are right now.

No matter how many hospital visits, sleepless nights, times when I feel completely alone and helpless, or days that I am doubled over in pain, I will die before I stop fighting for you.

I hope I get to meet you soon.

Until then, I’m going to work on becoming the person I want to be when you arrive — strong, confident, and resilient. I will continue to smile when others around me announce that they’re having a child (even though my heart is really breaking inside). 

I will continue to love your father, so you can grow up to learn how amazing he is. I will continue to learn new things to share with you. I will continue praying to all the Gods for you every single day.

I love you now. I will love you forever,

Your future Mother x