An interview with Suzannah Weiss, the author of ‘Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject’

Tabitha Britt (formerly Tabitha Shiflett) is an editor, journalist, and…
In a candid conversation with DO YOU ENDO, Suzannah Weiss, a feminist writer, sex educator, sex/love coach, and resident sexologist for Biird, discusses the empowering concept of “sexual subjectivity,” its profound implications for women, and how we as endoviduals can reclaim body autonomy and pleasure on our own terms.
Drawing from her insightful book, Subjectified: A Guide to Becoming a Sexual Subject, Weiss explains how language, societal expectations, and medical experiences can often position women as passive objects rather than active agents in their own lives, particularly when it comes to sexuality and healthcare.
You describe Subjectified as being about “subjects, objects, and verbs.” Could you elaborate on what you mean by “sexual subject” and why it’s important for women and marginalized groups to claim that role?
Weiss: A sexual subject is the opposite of a sexual object. It’s somebody who’s there not to be desired by others but to have and express and fulfill their own desires. It’s somebody who’s there not to please others but to care about and attend to their own pleasure and hopefully have their partners do the same. It’s somebody who’s there not to be enjoyed by others but to enjoy themselves in sex and in life. Of course, someone can be both, but being a subject first is necessary to be an object in an empowered manner.
How can the journey toward becoming a sexual subject help people work towards self-love and acceptance, especially for those whose bodies have been medicalized or stigmatized?
Weiss: If you’ve been taught that you exist to fulfill other people’s needs, then learning to tune into your own needs is very empowering, especially if you’ve been taught not to trust yourself or your feelings. Being a subject is all about being attuned to yourself and making choices based on what feels right to you. It’s also about loving your body for what it does and what it perceives, not just what it does to others or how it’s perceived by others.
What are some concrete steps women can take to reclaim their subjectivity in sexual relationships and experiences?
Weiss: One big theme that I talk about in the book is consent and boundaries, particularly embodied consent, which means paying attention to the feelings and sensations that arise in your body when given a sexual opportunity, or any opportunity, and asking yourself if that feels like your true ‘yes’ or your true ‘no.’ And if it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ say ‘no.’ That is very empowering for learning to put your desires first and not putting others’ desires before your own.
Another step is to communicate your desires and boundaries to partners; put what you’re looking for specifically on your online dating profile, or tell a partner in the bedroom what pleases you the most.
Saying ‘no’ is also an important part of being a subject. Say ‘no’ to anything that doesn’t please you. It’s not about what you’re OK with. It’s not about what someone else wants from you. It’s about what really feels good to you and what lights you up — going in the direction of what lights you up. Not what you’re supposed to do according to society.
You explore how language shapes our understanding of desire and sexuality. What are some of the most harmful or limiting ways language is used in this context, and how can we change that?
Weiss: One linguistic issue that I talk about is the way we portray men as active participants in sex through descriptions of sex, such as “penetrative sex.” We think of sex as an act of penetration, which has multiple issues. One is that sex is much more than penetration. The other is that a man is the subject of the verb “penetrate,” so we don’t think of women as engulfing or enveloping men or whoever they’re with or doing things that involve no penetration or engulfing. This creates the belief that women are passive recipients, and their role is to just lie there and accept or reject men’s advances.
Another issue with this sentence construction is that it makes it seem as if men cannot be victims of sexual assault. The government has a category called “made to penetrate,” which is a separate category from rape, meaning when someone with a penis is made to penetrate someone. This sounds odd because they’re the subject of the verb ‘penetrate,’ as if they’re actively participating in their own violation. There is little difference between sexual assault of someone with a penis versus a vulva. The issue is not the specific physical invasion but the violation of boundaries, which occurs regardless of the bodies.
Another example of language and how it portrays a skewed idea of gender is that in a wedding ceremony, the officiant will say, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ as if the bride is the passive one, the one who accepts the kiss, while the groom is the one who wants, seeks out, and gives the kiss. The man is addressed as if the woman is there for his taking. This reflects the idea that a bride is given to a husband.
I would like to see more weddings where we hear, ‘You may now kiss the groom,’ ‘You may now kiss your spouse,’ or ‘You may now kiss each other.’ It feels more equal.
One last example is the way we frequently talk about women’s value or worth, and this isn’t always harmful, but there is often an idea that women, especially those dating men, need to ‘make their partners work for it’ or ‘know their value’ or ‘they’re worth more than casual sex.’ This seems empowering, and in some contexts, it is. But, it also reflects this troubling notion that a woman is a commodity traded for a relationship or financial support. It’s important that we make decisions based on what feels good to us, not based on who has paid a sufficient price for our bodies.
Are there specific words or phrases related to sexuality and the body that you think need to be reclaimed or re-examined by the endometriosis community?
Weiss: I think the idea of penetrative sex, or what we call penetrative sex, being considered enveloping or engulfing could be empowering to those within the endometriosis community because this puts the woman or the person with the vulva in control and emphasizes that this is something to do at your own pace, within your own comfort level, and according to your own desire.
Another way I think that language could be reclaimed to benefit the endometriosis community is by thinking about desire over consent. Someone who experiences pain during sex may be confused about their own internal sense of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ because they may be used to pushing through pain or a lack of pleasure to accommodate a partner- or doing as much as they can tolerate rather than as much as they actually want. So instead of asking yourself or a partner, ‘What do you consent to?’ or ‘What are you OK with?’ asking ‘What do you desire?’ can help you to stay true to yourself even when sex may be fraught with memories of having to push yourself.
It’s important to take that back and know that sex should be done for you as much as your partner.
Many people with endometriosis experience a disconnect from their bodies due to pain and medical interventions. How can the idea of sexual subjectivity help reclaim body autonomy and pleasure?
Weiss: I talk about the need to acknowledge women’s subjectivity, not just in sex, but in all areas concerning their bodies, including healthcare. When a woman goes to a doctor with a medical problem, often she is objectified, in that she is the object of verbs like ‘diagnose’ and ‘treat’ and ‘medicate,’ and she doesn’t have much of a say in the matter. She’s not so much a subject of those verbs.
So I think part of being a subject is advocating for yourself in medical contexts — not doing anything that feels like it’s forced on you without your informed consent, communicating to healthcare providers, and finding healthcare providers who listen to you and allow you to be a participant in your diagnosis and your treatment plan. Because as you know, for women’s health conditions like endometriosis, a lot of doctors are not great at identifying and treating them. Often, the patient is a valuable source of information about their own body. They have lived in their body for many years, and they’ve often done a lot of their own research. So subjectification is for healthcare settings where women should be seen as the owners of their bodies and sources of information about their bodies, whose knowledge should be respected.
In what ways can embracing sexual subjectification empower people with endometriosis to advocate for their sexual health needs with partners and healthcare professionals?
Weiss: Women are often portrayed in sex as empty vessels for men to enter and gain pleasure from, and with a condition like endometriosis that causes pain with penetration, it’s really important to tune into what you actually want: Does penetration feel good for you? Do you gain more pleasure from clitoral stimulation, breast stimulation, sex toys, or oral sex? Make sure you never feel like you’re pushing through something just for a partner and that you find what gives you pleasure, not just what reduces pain.
Thinking of women only in the negative — only in terms of their pain or how they can avoid it — is objectifying. We need to raise our standards and think not just about avoiding pain but attaining pleasure. While this may be specific to those with endometriosis in sex, I also talk about it in contexts like childbirth: How can we go beyond thinking about avoiding childbirth pain and think about adding positive elements to childbirth experiences?
What are your hopes for how this book might influence future research, treatment, and conversations around women’s health?
Weiss: I shared a bit about my own journey with bladder pain and chronic Lyme disease, and what that journey has taught me is that there’s so much more out there in terms of healing than mainstream medicine often acknowledges, particularly with regard to women’s bodies, and we need to trust ourselves. We need to take back control, and we need to think about making ourselves feel good when we’re in the midst of a chronic illness.
And I don’t mean that to minimize the pain anyone goes through. What I mean is that feeling good in any way you can, even if it’s just by practicing extra self-care, is vital when you’re going through a chronic illness. We don’t talk about that enough. We talk about how to feel less bad and how to medicate symptoms, but we don’t talk about what would feel good in your body and what would add happiness to your life while you’re going through this. And we don’t talk about tuning into your own intuition about what’s going on and what would help you.
This robs women of their subjectivity. We need to know that our bodies are always talking to us. We can be the ones to say, ‘This is what my body needs right now.’ So I hope that by sharing a bit of my own journey and some other women’s journeys, this book empowers women to say, ‘I deserve better than a 15-minute appointment where I have been prescribed a medication, and I’m still miserable, and I’m just covering up my symptoms a little bit.’ We deserve better lives than that.