Confessions of an Endovidual: A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Angelica,

Get ready for a challenge so difficult you’ll wonder how much you can take. Your body will change in ways you never thought possible and you’ll constantly ask yourself “Why?”  But, it will all make sense eventually.

One day, you’ll start to wonder why your periods are so painful. You’ll wonder why you’re being forced to stay in bed with pain that’s so terrible you can hardly walk. At age 12 you’ll experience your first ruptured cyst, but it won’t be your last. Mom will have to carry you down the stairs of the apartment while you cry out in pain.

The pain will always be something you’ll remember.

You’ll go through middle school and high school wondering why the other girls seem to have periods that don’t bother them and you’ll wonder why you’re different. But it’s okay because being different will eventually give you a new meaning to life.

At 16, you’ll lose your virginity, but it won’t feel the way you think it should. It’s more painful than your friends described their first time, but you’ll still think what your body is going through is normal. For the next few years, you’ll have a steady boyfriend and experience all the things a typical couple in high school would; homecoming, Friday night lights, Valentine’s Days, movie dates, meeting each other’s families, prom, and just having fun.

Matthew will teach you a lot about yourself. You’ll be together on-and-off for the last two years of high school and he’ll be someone your parents approve of. He’ll be the person you think you’ll spend the rest of your life with, but you’ll come to realize your first love isn’t always your last.

You’ll have some really great highs and some really low lows, but with the help of your family and friends, you’ll get through everything. You’ll meet the man who will become your husband at 19. It’ll take a little while to get engaged and married, but the wait is very well worth it. You’ll meet some of the best girlfriends in the world through pageants. AND you’ll become a National Miss Captivating in 2016

But then, your entire world will come crashing down.

All those years of pain and suffering during your periods are going to cause you to have four surgeries and lots of days full of tears. You’ll be told you have a slim to none chance of conceiving a child and you’re going to feel lost, scared, and worthless. You’ll have plenty of days when you wonder why this is happening to you.

You’ll tell your husband it’s okay to find someone else to have a family with. You’ll feel like a zombie with no purpose in life. But as each day passes you’ll get stronger; you’ll start to find your way. You’ll start a blog to help you cope with the confusing parts of Endometriosis and how to live this “new” life. You’ll find out more women have it and connect with them on a deeper level and confide in them your worst fears.

You’ll start to become more open of your struggles and become part of a sisterhood you never knew you needed. You’ll get the opportunity of a lifetime to write for a magazine that focuses on women’s health, Endometriosis and it’s a bullshit-free zone so there are no limits on what can or can not be said or shared. And one day, you’ll find the reason to keep going even when it seems damn near impossible.

But keep pushing… Keep fighting. And most importantly, keep being the badass everyone knows you are.

Love,
Your future self (AKA a badass EndoVidual)